I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
