Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
