You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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