I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
