He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
