Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
