I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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