btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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