I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Alive.
So much puke
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
