I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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