oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
