I haven't been this sober since birth.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
