I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
