Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I have aggressive nipples.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
