There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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