I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
