Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Bring me that man meat
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
