i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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