You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
If I die, sorry about rent.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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