alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
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