I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
