That's when you crack a 10am beer
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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