The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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