a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
We left an ass print on the piano.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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