Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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