: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
