hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
