just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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