HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
