But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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