cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
