I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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