i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
