I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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