Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
