So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
