Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
