I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
