I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
