You smell like a Billy Joel song
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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