If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
