Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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