I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
