I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
