He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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