I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
