I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
