you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So vagazzling was a success
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
