just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
