Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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